On the floor.

The day was going great, before everything fell apart once again.

I thought I was healing from the past I considered to be damaged. With the wounds patched up, I thought I’m healing from the temporary pain. But I was wrong, some wounds leave unforgivable scars.

I fall apart. With one trigger, I’m on the floor once again, after rebuilding myself for weeks without a single doubt and break down. One thing led to another, I found myself not wanting to recover, like I always do. I’m so exhausted from the ups and downs. I was constantly told to get up from where I fall. I thought I hate the part where I collapse, but the truth is I hate the part where I have to force myself to pretend I’m perfectly fall from every fall.

God knows I wasn’t made perfectly, in fact, I am far from that.

My biggest insecurity has always been my body and my looks. I never gave my body size a second thought before the age of 18 strikes. That was the very age I decided I needed a change. My ex boyfriend, god bless him, was a great guy. I didn’t know love back then, I knew deep in my heart he deserved someone who loved him. It wasn’t his fault for speaking truth, when he placed his arms around my waist and I asked him if I gained weight. He nodded hesitantly. I wasn’t fazed by that, but I can’t seem to get it off my mind.

Everything went down hill from then on. The restrictive dieting. The collapse of my self esteem which was never high to begin with. The constant self hate. The depression creeping into my life and never wanted to leave. The anxiety. Everything.

All the memories I thought were permanently erased came rushing back when I lay crippled on the floor. And the tears start flowing without warning. I ask myself if it’s worth standing up again and facing the same obstacle again and again? If I can’t overcome my problems, will I ever be able to overcome myself?

As I lay motionlessly on the floor tonight with tears streaming down my face, I wonder if I was ever worth saving all along.

If I lay motionlessly on the floor one day as I drew my last painful breath, I wonder if I ever needed saving at all.

 

Hello from the Author

Let’s cut to the chase.

I dislike long introductions. I prefer keeping it short and simple so here it goes.

I sincerely doubt anybody would be reading this. But if you are, hello stranger, thank you for keeping up with me after 2 sentences.

My name is Shun. I am 22 of age, and I just graduated from University as a Psychology undergraduate. I am a foodie, and a wanderlust. Ironically, I am an introvert who prefers staying indoors most of my spare time. An odd combination, but here I am.

This is my own personal space. A secret hideout for my untold stories. It’s not that I am a secretive person. I would love to share my perspective with the people I truly care for. But I can’t. That’s another story to tell.

I have always loved writing. I don’t have the ability to produce beautifully written paragraphs or the creative ability to conjure fictional stories, else I would have been the J.K. Rowling of my sad generation. But I still really do enjoy writing.

I resort to WordPress because I can’t find a better medium to express my pent up frustrations and my overwhelming urge to turn my inner voices into stories I could tell. (Also an opportunity to practice my writing skills)

Hello, once again, if you are still here. Thank you for being patient with my babbling. I guess a girl can”t help it. Welcome to my very own story book, except all non fictional, and all reality.

x Shun.