The day was going great, before everything fell apart once again.
I thought I was healing from the past I considered to be damaged. With the wounds patched up, I thought I’m healing from the temporary pain. But I was wrong, some wounds leave unforgivable scars.
I fall apart. With one trigger, I’m on the floor once again, after rebuilding myself for weeks without a single doubt and break down. One thing led to another, I found myself not wanting to recover, like I always do. I’m so exhausted from the ups and downs. I was constantly told to get up from where I fall. I thought I hate the part where I collapse, but the truth is I hate the part where I have to force myself to pretend I’m perfectly fall from every fall.
God knows I wasn’t made perfectly, in fact, I am far from that.
My biggest insecurity has always been my body and my looks. I never gave my body size a second thought before the age of 18 strikes. That was the very age I decided I needed a change. My ex boyfriend, god bless him, was a great guy. I didn’t know love back then, I knew deep in my heart he deserved someone who loved him. It wasn’t his fault for speaking truth, when he placed his arms around my waist and I asked him if I gained weight. He nodded hesitantly. I wasn’t fazed by that, but I can’t seem to get it off my mind.
Everything went down hill from then on. The restrictive dieting. The collapse of my self esteem which was never high to begin with. The constant self hate. The depression creeping into my life and never wanted to leave. The anxiety. Everything.
All the memories I thought were permanently erased came rushing back when I lay crippled on the floor. And the tears start flowing without warning. I ask myself if it’s worth standing up again and facing the same obstacle again and again? If I can’t overcome my problems, will I ever be able to overcome myself?
As I lay motionlessly on the floor tonight with tears streaming down my face, I wonder if I was ever worth saving all along.
If I lay motionlessly on the floor one day as I drew my last painful breath, I wonder if I ever needed saving at all.